When You’re in it Alone. Romantic Loneliness, Emotional Dismissal, and the Silence That Hurts

We don’t talk nearly enough about what it’s like to be in a relationship where your presence is noticed but your emotions aren’t. Where any mention of the future is sidestepped, vulnerability is met with defensiveness, and feelings are answered with withdrawal, sarcasm, or silence, until you stop sharing them altogether. You’re planning a life with someone who says they’re committed, yet each time you bring up feelings or next steps, you end up feeling like the problem. That’s not only frustrating. It’s lonely. And you’re not imagining it. 

At Sacana, we've always spoken boldly about loneliness, not in the abstract, but in its many faces. One of the most painful and least acknowledged is the loneliness of being unheard in love. This isn’t a minor disappointment, it’s a quiet erosion of self. A slow undoing of emotional safety, caused by a partner who avoids closeness, not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to stay when feelings arrive. 

The Dismissive-Avoidant Dynamic: When Closeness Feels Unsafe 

Dismissive-avoidant attachment is a deeply researched relational pattern, often shaped by early experiences of emotional dismissal or inconsistent care. These individuals learn that vulnerability is dangerous, emotional need is weakness, and intimacy is something to manage, not share. They keep you close enough to say it’s a relationship, but far enough that your heart always hits glass. At first, it may feel like emotional maturity. But over time, the gaps reveal themselves. Conversations about next steps are impossible. Every display of emotion triggers shutdown or deflection. There’s always a reason your feelings are “too much” and always a vague promise of a future that never arrives. This is not love in motion, it’s love in limbo. And it is deeply lonely. 

When Loneliness Lives Inside a Relationship 

Research shows that when attachment needs go unmet, partners, especially those with a secure or anxious style, enter a state of relational distress. They enact protest behaviours; reaching out, arguing, withdrawing, crying and not because they’re irrational, but because their nervous system is trying to get its needs met in the face of emotional shutdown. And when bids for connection are repeatedly met with resistance, people start acting in ways that don’t feel like themselves. They become angry, then ashamed of that anger; clingy, then mortified by it. They say things they don’t mean and behave in ways that confuse even them. These aren’t character flaws, they’re symptoms of relational trauma. Bowlby called it protest behaviour. Linehan called it emotional dysregulation. Siegel called it identity erosion.  

Future Faking, Attachment Ambiguity, and Emotional Gaslighting 

When a partner offers just enough reassurance to keep you tethered, but not enough to build safety, you’re left in emotional limbo. They talk about shared plans and dreams but never take meaningful steps forward. This isn’t malice, it’s a defence mechanism against vulnerability they can’t handle. They speak of closeness while keeping it at arm’s length. That contradiction becomes its own form of emotional gaslighting; you’re told everything’s fine, but your body feels the rejection. You’re made to feel like the problem, when the real problem is the silence. Over time, it feels not only confusing, but downright crazymaking. And all the while, they’re there, functionally present, emotionally absent. 

Invisible Loneliness, Real Health Risks 

Psychologist Robert Weiss long ago identified emotional loneliness as the absence of connection in the presence of another. It’s devastatingly valid, yet so often dismissed; “How can you be lonely when you’re not alone?” You are. Lonely in your own home, in your own relationship, with someone who says they love you but won’t let you in. And when the loneliness is chronic, the impact is both emotional and physiological. Chronic loneliness correlates with higher risks of depression, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, weakened immunity, and cognitive decline. It is more than a feeling, it’s a public health issue. 

Why This Matters and Why We’re Talking About It 

At Sacana, we work with people who feel unseen such as carers, older adults, those with long term conditions. But we also see those who are most unheard in their relationships, those who can’t voice what’s on their minds for fear of shutdown, correction, or blame. Those holding unspoken pain because the one person they should be able to talk to won’t let them speak. When you can’t say it at home, say it here. 

When You Can’t Say It at Home, Say It Here 

We’re not therapists. We don’t analyse, interpret, or advise. What we do offer is a structured, one-to-one human conversation, built for safety, consistency, and genuine listening. A space where you can say the messy, the unfinished, the honest, without needing to be calm, quiet, or apologetic. Because sometimes a person doesn’t need change, they need to be witnessed. You don’t have to act out, walk away, or become someone you’re not to be seen. You don’t have to carry your truth in silence. You can speak it in your time, in your words, with someone who won’t flinch when you do. Because love isn’t the absence of conflict, it’s the presence of safety. And being heard should never feel like too much to ask. 

References 

Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132–154. 
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press. 
Weiss, R. S. (1973). Loneliness: The experience of emotional and social isolation. MIT Press. 
Pietromonaco, P. R., & Beck, L. A. (2015). Attachment processes in adult romantic relationships. APA Handbook of Personality and Social Psychology, 3, 33–64. 
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press. 
Siegel, D. J. (1999). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press. 
Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. W.W. Norton & Company. 
Schumann, K., & Orehek, E. (2018). Avoidant and defensive: Adult attachment and quality of apologies. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(3). https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517746517